I saw a guy stacking shel …
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn’t keep it up. I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
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My dog swallowed my TV re …
My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV… and decided I could do without Channel 4.
Continue ReadingWhat did the egg say to t …
What did the egg say to the boiling water? “It may take a while for me to get hard, I got laid yesterday.”
Continue ReadingI met my wife at a Monkee …
I met my wife at a Monkees fan club convention, It surprised me though, I thought love was only true in fairytales…
Continue ReadingI love a good game of ‘Hu …
I love a good game of ‘Hungry Hippos’. But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo after 3 of them starved to death.
Continue ReadingKnife then fork. How necr …
Knife then fork. How necrophilia is done.
Continue ReadingA barman walks into a sta …
A barman walks into a stable “Oh, I wanted some stationary.” “Common mistake,” said the horse.
Continue ReadingWhen women ask me what I …
When women ask me what I do they are horrified when I tell them I’m a stalker. I had thought that being an apprentice florist would get me in with the ladies.
Continue ReadingThe doctor said to the pa …
The doctor said to the patient, “You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to saftey.” The patient asked, “Where is the dog now?” “Unfortunately there’s no sign of the dog – or your arm.”
Continue ReadingHow’s the treatment for c …
How’s the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly.
Continue ReadingI saw a sign at a local r …
I saw a sign at a local restuarant the other day. *Enjoy Authentic Ethiopian Cuisine for just 20!* I thought that was a little bit steep for a grain of rice, but there you go.
Continue ReadingI got a box of italian ch …
I got a box of italian childrens parlour games for my birthday…. ‘Pasta Parcel’ is my favourite
Continue ReadingI went for a short back a …
I went for a short back and sides today. Well I wasn’t going to let a midget swear at me and get away with it.
Continue ReadingGive a man a fish, and he …
Give a man a fish, and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well being.
Continue ReadingMy son’s been offered a p …
My son’s been offered a place on a Theoretical Philosophy course at university. He’s going to think about it.
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