Category: sarcasm

Those wall mounted hand dryers are really impressive. I dried my hands with one at a nightclub on Friday. I think they’re almost dry.

“Jackson fans gather at 02 Arena” – does anyone read the papers nowadays?

There is a real person behind every spastic. Unless they have an electric wheelchair of course.

I just travelled back in time to 1985 and brought a Mars bar, or as they are known in the present day, a ‘king size’ Mars bar.

Sepp Blatter is the only candidate for Fifa President, with his only rival having pulled out after being suspended. I’m sure the world is glad to finally see that Fifa isn’t corrupt at all, with this demonstration of a completely fair election, with no suggestion of blackmail or intimidation.

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in a jail that is run by a Lesbian gang. A former inmate of LA’s Century Detention Facility said “She’ll have to watch her back.” Errr……… No…….. I don’t think its her back thats likely to get the most attention…..

I was telling my mate that I saw a film by Spielburg last night. He said, “Which one?” I said, “Steven.”

I can see why Americans find our football boring compared to there’s. I mean, it really sucks not having the match stop every 5 minutes for 10 minutes of adverts.

Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir has been accused of dancing on Steven Gatelys grave for money. What a mug, after today well all be able to dance on his grave for free.

My elder brother is really vain. My earliest memories are of him standing in front of a mirror. Until I was four years old, I thought he was twins.

It was brilliant seeing him again after all these months and even some of the neighbours popped round with a bottle of bubbly to celebrate. We think he may have been drunk when he said it though? But the postman’s now promised he might come again in a couple of weeks.

With all this talk about having a cull on foxes to prevent any more babies being mauled I’ve come up with a brilliant idea. Basically we invent a sport where posh people chase foxes on horseback, perhaps with horns to signal the direction of their movements and some kind of other animals with them to […]

An internet survery keeps asking me whether or not i’m single. No youtube, i’m sitting here on my friday evening watching babies laugh because my stunning girlfriend is out of town.

So the arson attack that killed 6 children in Derby was started using petrol. Surely there was a cheaper alternative like throwing gold bullion through the windows.

I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don’t worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn’t get hurt.