Category: art

The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the museum staff.

I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting. Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.

News: “The Tate Modern has removed a nude photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for paedophiles”. Okay guys I’m sorry but the minibuses wont be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post shortly.

My father gave me my first condom. Sadly, he was wearing it at the time.

At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?

I’ve developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get a huge block of marble. 2. Chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

Abstract erotic art… …It’s the shape of things to come.

Just finished reading 50 shades of grey – I thought it was rather monochromatic.

My girlfriend insisted on going to the art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour looking at pictures I called her over and said, “What about this one?” “Are you serious?” “Yeah, it’s the best one I’ve seen yet.” “If you don’t want to be here, then leave.” “When did I […]

An artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his nude model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind of girl!” “Actually, […]

Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card. It was a look that clearly showed if I didn’t put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further […]

‘Every picture tells a story’. The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh’s painting is not worth 32m.

I lost so much cash through having my art stolen recently, but fortunately this month I’ve Claude Monet back.

I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady so i mounted it

‘Edvard Munch’s The Scream sells for $120 million’. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it.. Then she remembered that she had a mirror.