I’d been trying to settle down with one girlfriend for several years; however the problem mainly was that my mum didn’t like any of the girls I brought home. Brunettes were too dull, blondes too stupid, redheads too fiery. However, one day I met a girl who was exactly the same as my mum in […]
Continue ReadingSickiphrantic (adj.) Continually refreshing your browser after posting a joke to see if it’s been voted down.
Continue ReadingWhen Chelsea’s physio comes on the TV, I do the same thing.
Continue ReadingDefinition of irony: Someone cable tied my scissors.
Continue ReadingSKY NEWS- Take that Gigs: Drunk Women Spark A&E Surge Personaly, I dont see how this would affect him.
Continue ReadingBREAKING NEWS IN THE CABINET RESHUFFLE My Xbox 360 games have been moved to the bottom drawer.
Continue ReadingI was talking to a girl from the USA earlier. She told me, “I miss America.” I didn’t believe her though: her grammar was terrible and she wasn’t that attractive.
Continue ReadingI saw a flying saucer glowing in the sky last night which I identified as a UFO. At which point it immediately ceased to be one.
Continue ReadingI’ve just heard about Dusty Springfield… Matt Groening should start drawing some hoovers.
Continue ReadingI hate these online dating scams. And so does my new Russian girlfriend who can’t wait to meet me now I’ve sent the 10,000 quid for her flight.
Continue ReadingHad a pretty somber conversation with a friend of mine recently. It mainly centered around how his family name is Cyst. At that point in time his wife was in labour with his unborn child, and we were discussing the various ‘disease’ related names he used to get called at school. Told me it’d break […]
Continue ReadingMoney can’t buy happiness… but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Continue Reading‘Just been to a party at a 70s disco divas house. We played a game where you had to throw a paki as far as you could’ ‘Donna summers?’ ‘No chuck a kahn’
Continue ReadingIf I have four apples in my right hand and six in my left, why aren’t I using a bag?
Continue ReadingWhat are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces.
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