Category: stupid

I hate these online dating scams. And so does my new Russian girlfriend who can’t wait to meet me now I’ve sent the 10,000 quid for her flight.

My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I’m worried about her starting college, she’s led a very sheltered life.

I said to my mate, “Have you seen the TV programme about veiled threats?” He said, “No.” I said, “You’d better watch it.”

I’d love to meet a girl from Hindsight. Apparently, everything’s easy there.

Big Foot does exist and I can prove it. I got him to take a photo of me, the wife and kids when we took a walk in the forest earlier.

Sometimes I like to cover myself in vaseline and pretend I’m a slug.

“As I approached the junction I looked both ways for a motorbike. Having not seen any bikes I proceeded to pull out. The advert didn’t say anything about cars, Your honour”

I’ve just bought one of those new hands free kits. Also known as a saw.

Johnny’s dad and his Maths teacher are talking at the parent-teacher conference. Teacher: “I think Johnny needs to get some help at home. Especially with his Maths”. Parent: “Well that makes six of us”.

Some guy on the High Street asked me if I wanted to sponsor an endangered tiger yesterday. “Sounds interesting,” I said, “what will it be doing to earn my money? Running a marathon, bungee jumping?”

I spent most of my youth kissing frogs at the pond. Imagine my dismay when one turned into a princess and ruined the fun.

My Grandfather was decorated for bravery in the war. It took him weeks to get the last bits of wallpaper off.

A guy in the army sends his wife back home a grenade with a note attached to it. “My love, if you miss me so much, pull this pin and I can come home for one week.”

I was relaxing on holiday in Spain when I heard a woman scream, “Please help, my son has got his foot stuck in the swimming pool.” I thought to myself, “Wow, how big are his feet?”

I told my mate that my wife was pregnant. He said he didn’t think I had it in me. I don’t think he understands how babies are made.