Category: children

Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception.

There were problems when my baby son was delivered, We were out so they took him round the neighbours, we had to wait all day to collect him.

Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there ws a splash from the water below. Couldn’t help but think, Oh well.

I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice person that I am, I played basketball with him. My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop.

My 10 year old son said, “Dad, I know something really funny! One skin, two skin, three skin …foreskin! haha!” I said, “Well done son, I’m proud of you. I know a better one though. One play, two play, three play …you were adopted.”

Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap children and hold them hostage. He was horrified, “How do you sleep at night?” I replied, “On a pile of ransom money, thanks.”

I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out “I love doggy!!!” Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too.

Those children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn’t have enough money to buy a memory card for my Playstation 1.

Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young children changing. I apologised for the confusion and left. After a few minutes…

Even though I’m a cub scout leader, I’m still nervous around kids. But when we all dressed up as Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave.

My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.

I was in Portugal a few weeks back when i saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and i found myself thinking, ‘When in Rome…’

I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, “I’d like to offer my condolences.” They said, “No you don’t understand, we’ve just had a baby.” I said, “I know, I can see it, it’s minging”

My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn’t a fit mother. Personally, I reckon she’s bang tidy.

I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman. I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ”no Daddy, I just like watching people burn to death”. He is such a character.