Category: family

I’d been trying to settle down with one girlfriend for several years; however the problem mainly was that my mum didn’t like any of the girls I brought home. Brunettes were too dull, blondes too stupid, redheads too fiery. However, one day I met a girl who was exactly the same as my mum in […]

What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces.

Whats the difference between my wife and a gritter? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight.

In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, “You’ve a bit of food on your chin.” When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, “No, the other chin.”

David Cameron has pledged to help White Families adopt Black Babies more quickly…Or “Madonna’s Law” as it will be more commonly known

As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems the meaner they are. Last year I got a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read, ‘At least you can still attract flies. Lots of love, mum.’

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

The girlfriend told me she doesn’t want to speak to me or see me for a while because I didn’t say anything to the bus driver who was rude to her. It seems that we’re just not getting on anymore.

Has anyone else noticed that the most evil and infamous men in history have sported moustaches? Adolf Hitler, Joseph Fritzl, Saddam Huessein… Super Mario…

My wife came home to find me sniffing my daughter’s knickers the other day. Wouldn’t have been so bad if my daughter wasn’t wearing them at the time!

A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, “I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for.” The guy agrees and says,” […]

Condoms are like parents… they are there to protect you, but usually it’s more fun when they’re not around.

Those footsteps on the roof can mean only one thing! My dad’s gone and joined fathers for justice…

My new neighbour came up to me today and said , “Alright mate , nice to meet you” I said “Hi nice to meet you too” He asked ” Mate , do you know when the dustbin men come?” so I replied ” Yeah tuesday why?” He said “well my wife’s body is starting to […]

The Wife asked me last night, “how would you judge the success of a Man?” So of course I said “by the amount of Women he’s banged” Then she said “how would you judge the success of a Woman?” “Well of course by how many sandwiches she’s made” I’m sleeping on the sofa tonight….