Supposedly , 50% of Afric …
Supposedly , 50% of Africans have to walk over a mile for clean water. I think that’s a bit far-fetched.
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I’ve just brought a new B …
I’ve just brought a new Bachelors pad…. It’s full of Cuppa Soup.
Continue ReadingJust bought a trifle for …
Just bought a trifle for easter from tesco. There was a little notice saying the instructions were on the underside. Instructions: 1. DO NOT TURN OVER Every little helps.
Continue ReadingI just heard about that s …
I just heard about that school on the Isle of Sheppy where kids were sitting an exam and the roof collapsed, seriously injuring 4 pupils. I was absolutely astonished. They have schools on the Isle of Sheppy?? EDIT: To Yanks voting this down because they don’t get it, just replace “Isle of Sheppy” with AMERICA
Continue ReadingI enjoy listening to Scot …
I enjoy listening to Scottish music on my och aye pod
Continue ReadingWe’ve got an aviary at ho …
We’ve got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to the sounds of ’80s synth pop. Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
Continue ReadingA guy walks into a crowde …
A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but he says “This spider is stronger than any of you!” One bloke says “Prove it!” “Right; my spider will pick up this bar stool.” He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. […]
Continue ReadingMy young daughter saw som …
My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said “I want to smell like a grown up woman”. So i killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers.
Continue ReadingI was given an Audi as a …
I was given an Audi as a courtesy car yesterday. I’ve never driven one before but I soon got the hang of it and was driving like I’d been an Audi driver all my life. Driving inches behind the car in front. Getting up to 80mph between speed cameras, then slamming the brakes on. And […]
Continue ReadingIve got a huge octagonal …
Ive got a huge octagonal gold plate I carry with me, I hold it in front of me if hippies try to sign me to an NSPCC direct debit. I call it the Charity Shield.
Continue ReadingI was in a club last nigh …
I was in a club last night and spotted a lonely looking woman (a solid 9/10) stood at the bar. Being the gentleman that I am, I swaggered over to the woman and said with a husky voice “Do you know how much polar bears weigh, love?” With a giggle the woman looked back at […]
Continue ReadingMy local pub has recently …
My local pub has recently undergone a make-over to attract a younger crowd, they’ve done it all out in black and are targetting the emo/goth kids in the area. It’s now called The Self ‘Arms.
Continue ReadingA quick way to start a co …
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, ‘What’s your favorite colour?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, ‘What’s your favorite colour person?’
Continue ReadingThe difference between po …
The difference between poetry and prose: A woman at the seaside Walking on the front Went into the water It came up to her knees. That’s prose, if she had gone in another foot it would have been poetry.
Continue ReadingI was arrested for steali …
I was arrested for stealing an electric car after the battery ran flat. I was released without charge.
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