My Granddad gave me an unexploded grenade from the First World War and said, “Take this to auction and see how much you can get for it” Later that day I came home and he said, “So? How much was it worth?” I said, “They offered me a thousand pounds” He said, “Where is it […]
Continue ReadingDear, Chicken. I have no idea why everyone wants to know why you crossed the road, I’m not impressed. Sincerely, The cow that jumped over the moon.
Continue ReadingThe biggest cause of homeless peoples deaths? My hammer.
Continue ReadingMaking children is for people that can’t afford a dog
Continue ReadingI met my 13 year old son’s new “girlfriend” this evening. It’s weird, I swear I’ve come across her before..
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend was crossing a shallow stream, when suddenly she began to sink in to the muddy riverbed. Within seconds it was up to her neck. Forgetting everything I had been taught in my survival lessons, I used her head as a stepping stone.
Continue Reading“Now with real ingredients”, read the pack of Walkers I was eating. To my annoyance, 80% of the packet was still with imaginary ingredients, though.
Continue ReadingToday I saw a sign that said ‘Walkway slippery when wet’. I was truly amazed because signs don’t usually talk.
Continue ReadingWhat’s red and white on the outside and grey on the inside? Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
Continue ReadingLeprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets… You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out.
Continue ReadingTwo wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights make a plane.
Continue ReadingDaily Mail: “How’s that for a remarkable young man? Cricket prodigy is talented spin bowler despite having NO HANDS” Unfortunately when he goes into bat he’s always stumped.
Continue ReadingI was at the gym and asked the guy next to me if he’d be my spotter while I’m lifting. As I pulled my trousers down he punched me at the urinal.
Continue ReadingSomebody was telling me earlier about the Mayan Calendar and an event predicted to happen on the 21st of December 2012, but I can’t remember what it was. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world.
Continue ReadingUncooked burgers are very rare these days
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