I walked up to a woman fe …
I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park. “Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I asked. “No, why would it be?” she replied. “Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”
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Do you remember the old P …
Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I’ve thought about how amusing it would be if they got monkeys to dress up in rappers’ clothes and “bling” and “rap” in rap music videos… Oh wait…
Continue ReadingI think my wifes starting …
I think my wifes starting to suspect my covert surveillance of her movements. She thinks she’s got a stomach bug.
Continue ReadingThe few friends I do have …
The few friends I do have keep asking me for money. I’ve always been a loaner.
Continue ReadingMy wife hates it when our …
My wife hates it when our baby kicks her. I say baby, he’s nearly two now, but at least he’s a quick learner.
Continue ReadingPeople say I’m good at fr …
People say I’m good at fractions, but they don’t know the half of it.
Continue ReadingAll my bandmates are ill …
All my bandmates are ill so I have to sing alone, I’ve never felt solo.
Continue ReadingI have decided to write a …
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
Continue ReadingI’ve got a business paint …
I’ve got a business painting portraits of interracial couples, I’m one of the world’s best Mixed Marital Artists.
Continue ReadingChecked out Wonga.com to …
Checked out Wonga.com to see if they have an “Investors in People” logo. They don’t, which I find ironic.
Continue ReadingAfter a long career of be …
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?”
Continue ReadingAfter causing some offenc …
After causing some offence in the office, I’m going to think twice before I describe snacking on an apple as “eating my Granny out”.
Continue ReadingSince the wife started wo …
Since the wife started working at the bookies, I don’t know who she thinks she is…. Coming home shouting the odds.
Continue ReadingI was starving last night …
I was starving last night, so I made some Indian salsa. After his dance I made him get me a curry.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between James Milner and an Andy Parsons tour? James Milner is a sell out.
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