Category: wordplay

I was distraught today; I found out my whiskey had Downs syndrome. He’s a window liquor.

I hate it when people end a sentence with a question, dont you?

Went up to the counter at an airport and said, “BUKAHH! BUK BUK BUKAAAHH!!” The clerk said, “Sorry sir. This is the check-in desk.”

BBC News: Police storm farm in gunman hunt. I bet there’s pigs everywhere.

My job as a bulldozer gets very depressing, so before I went out to work today I popped some Prozac. I took far too much. As a result of this, I not only flattened the dilapidated cinemaplex but also the five houses next to it. I overdozed.

I was arrested last night for driving whilst 3 times over the limit. 210 mph on the motorway.

My 5 year old son thinks hes black, the other day he was trying to create slang by shortening words like sausage and mash into saush. I found it amusing when he turned rap artist into rapist.

I used to work in Boots but ended up getting sacked. My boss said they were unsuitable for being a lifeguard.

My therapist isn’t being very supportive because she thinks I’m never going to be able to stop exposing myself to women. Well I’ll show her.

A man went into the butchers. “Why are you using a knife to cut those long eared furry animals?” he asked. “It’s not a knife it’s a cimeter”, replied the butcher. Talk about splitting hares.

Me and my wife were waiting for a bit of alone time. “Finally the kids have gone to bed, you can stick it in now.” she said “I’m trying too but it doesn’t want to work.” “It’s filthy,” she moaned “give it a wipe before you do anything with it!” “Okay, that should do the […]

My wife came home with some herbal tablets to help her lose weight called Sea Kelp, I thought, I’m sure there’s a subliminal message in the name there somewhere.

I built my wife a sculpture of her torso, arms and legs with Lego. I said if she’s really good to me, I’ll do the rest. She dropped her knickers, bent over, and said, “I’m pretty sure you’ll finish it off.” I think she’s getting ahead of herself.

I’ve just bought some car insurance from Chris Eubank. Thimples.

I am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier.