Category: wordplay

I’ve been trying to get my computer to work. But, when I got it there, they already had loads.

My mate at work asked me how much cable I needed, I told him 10.2 metres. I thought that it was a measured response.

As I tip-toed into the house, trying my hardest not to wake up the wife, I started to realise just how drunk I was. She’s been dead a month.

Exams are like girls, they ask too many questions and are hard to understand… but it feels good when you’ve nailed one.

Me: Apparently it’s eating disorder awareness week. My mate: Really Me: Yh, my daughter brought it up at the dinner table

If you don’t feel very well, what should you do? Take your gloves off.

My girlfriend says she’s finishing with me because of my obsession with toy based puns. My mates all tell me I should walk away, but I just can’t Lego.

Hovis have just launched their new Farm Mouse Whole Grain Loaf

The other day on the toilet I stank so bad that all that went after me, smelled the same. I call it my human scentipede…

Graffiti artists, they write up my street.

An American with a charity tin walks into a library and says, “Sir, can you help? We’re trying to raise a few bucks”. So the librarian gave him a shelf.

I like my women the way I like my math. At primary school level.

What do you call male tampons? Bachelor Pads.

My girlfriend was reading the Kama Sutra and suggested that we try position 288. “No,” I said “that’s two gross”.

When push comes to push, I will buy a thesaurus