Category: wordplay

I had an interview today with DFS and was told to take a seat when I arrived. Don’t get me wrong now, it’s a great seat and looks well in my kitchen but I would have preferred a job.

Why is it when Chris Tarrant secretly video tapes kids and gives them sweets he gets a tv show but when I do it………………

I asked two girls in the park if they knew another word for the womb and they said, “Yeh, Uterus!” “And that your honour is consent in my book.”

For a laugh I stuck a potato up my mates car exhaust. He had the last laugh though, when it shot out and hit me in the eye. Looks like It backfired.

My mate swallowed his tongue last week. His shoes look stupid now.

Just a guess, but I bet most cyclops don’t subscribe to the ‘eye for an eye’ theory.

3 Nails + 1 Cross = 4 Given

In America – Fat camp: A place where overweight people go to slim down. In England – Fat camp: Matt Lucas, Elton John.

I’m going to the cemetery with some coconut shavings to dessicate some graves.

A wise man once said to me… “Hi, I’m Dennis.”

Someone’s been stealing from my Charles Bronson collection. Whoever it is, he’s got a death wish.

When we were recruiting new agents into the CIA, one of the rookies lost his mind and began complaining: “Who designed this CIA logo?! I mean, the ‘C’ and ‘A’ are alright, but the ‘I’ looks awful!” I asked him “Who are you?” “I’m a freelance designer, I don’t know why I’m here!” I replied, […]

Financial Times: With the current financial uncertainty it is important people get their affairs in order. Well that’s easy. 1) Julie, from the pub, 2) Sandra, the wife’s sister, 3) Jennifer, from work.

I woke up this morning and felt like an 18 year old!! Could not find her so I got out of bed.

My girlfriend text me and said she couldn’t see me anymore. I was hiding behind the sofa.