Category: wordplay

The fire brigade tried to put out a fire at my haunted house but failed. All they managed to do was dampen my spirits.

Pixar did well to abandon the original draft. Tolstory was supposed to be twelve hours long, and in Russian.

I listen to my wife making up the most unbelievable stories at 4 in the morning. I don’t wake her up though, I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.

What’s the difference between Greengrocers and men who watch X Factor? Greengrocers have a pear.

It’s the final of Miss World 2011 next week. My money’s on Heskey.

News : ‘Beer Prices Slashed In Supermarkets’. Why would someone do that? Now people can’t read what the price of the beer actually is.

I bought a sniper rifle to try and shoot my wife. I climbed to the very top of a tree in the park and tried to shoot her as she climbed out of the car outside our house, but missed. Maybe I’m setting my sights too high.

Paddy said to Mick, “This 568 mls of Guinness is far better than your 284 mls.” Mick said, “You’ve got a point der, Paddy.”

I spoke to my sons teacher today. He said, ‘I commend your child’ I said, ‘I’m sure you can.. but I’m not sure he’s even broken”

I’m currently reading a pullout about alternative contraceptive methods.

I had my eyes transplanted from a female red deer, and now I can see much better Of course, its always easier with hind sight…

I’ve given up using Match.com. After 6 long months I haven’t met a single girl to play football against.

My mate rang me on my mobile today while I was sat right next to him. It was a close call.

Me and my mate were in the snooker club when he gave me a twenty pound note to get the drinks in. I came back with two pints and gave him a quid change. He asked, “Where’s the rest mate?” I said, “At the end of the table where it always is.”

Anyone who uses a defibrillator should be charged with resisting arrest.