Category: wordplay

I drink so much tea I’m on first name terms with my kettle. He’s called Phil…….Phil the kettle.

I have been down the maternity ward and the nurses have been swearing at me and insulting me I think I’m having a mid-wife crisis

I love Silence… well, that goes without saying.

Look, we’re not going to be able to fit all of you in the bus, full stop.

What do you call an American with a condom on his head? A posh yank.

I was thrown out of the World Arson Championships for match fixing.

How do you make a chav say “Walt Disney”? Ask him to point to his knee.

The one rule of the Monarchs club is that one rules

I never really fitted in at school… I was fat.

I work in a shop that sells fake facial hair. It gets really busy around this time of year and I struggle to process each order on time, so you can imagine how annoyed I get at the people who come in and say they just want two brows.

I think you know you take your neighbourhood watch duties a bit too seriously when you buy a cape

I was playing darts in the pub last night and hit a double with my last shot. The barman threw me out for throwing my drinks around.

What did the exhausted deer say as she staggered out of the forest? “That’s the last time I’m doing that for ten bucks.”

My mate hasn’t got a job – he spends all his time on his hobby deep sea diving for coral. What a sponger.

If your girlfriend’s bra is empty… Fillet.