Category: wordplay

My failed attempts at trying to cross breed fruit and vegetables has only made me melancholy

I went to the pub last night and the barman said, “What can I get you?” “Have you got anything on draught.” I asked. “Yes mate.” He said, “There’s a furry snake at the bottom of the fire exit door.”

I got food poisoning the other day. I haven’t used it yet.

The sauna room does wonders for myself esteem.

I have two brothers, well three actually but one has learning difficulties, so he can’t count.

Millipedes are like, 10 times better than centipedes.

Me and my mates feel privileged to have opened the lion enclosure at our local zoo. No one asked us to, and now the whole town is in lock down.

Don’t bother checking ‘Zelda’s strap-on adventure’ on the Internet. The Link’s broken.

“I visited those botanical gardens at the weekend” “Kew?” “No, just went straight in”

My sons girlfriend came round for the first time last night. As she entered, my wife said “I like your shoes” Seeing that the floor had just been cleaned, she took this as an indication to take her shoes off. Following after her, I said “I like your skirt….”

I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website. It keeps saying it’s refreshing!

Two pieces of vomit are walking along the street when one of them stops and starts feeling all emotional and starts crying. The other one asks what is wrong and the first one says: “Oh just sentimental memories – this is where I was brought up”.

After last night’s fight, does anyone else want to give Harrison a smack? Please form an Audley queue.

Did you hear about that Russian guy, who beat Usain Bolt’s 100 metre dash, record? I think his name was Igor Zuminov

If you cant beat em, Boxing’s probably not for you.