Category: wordplay

NEWS : Bin Laden was killed by a single shot through the eye from a US Navy Seal. I find it hard to believe that a man who went to Cambridge University and founded Al-Qaeda fell for the old, ‘Hey Osama, could you check to see if my gun barrel is clean?…’

I’ve got a horrendous yeast infestation in my oven at home. It’s a problem on the rise

I ordered an Indian takeaway last night and it came to a tenner. As he handed me the bag, I said, “What’s the name of Jordan’s son?” He said, “Harvey Price.” I said, “Thanks, here’s a fiver.”

Five years from now, are they going to have a Soviet Reunion?

There has been a place built where all the drastically-overweight people can live together, in harmony and tranquility, with friendship and love, free from the violence and abuse that comes their way because of their physical condition. It’s sensitively called “A peace city”.

I’ve finally come to terms with my hideous deformity. She’s agreed to a divorce.

I know a woman called Sue Tickle who works in our local chemist. We call her farmer.

I’m a very bad escape artist. I don’t get out much.

There’s a certain stigma attached to reproduction organs, especially in flowers.

I got a round of applause last night. In hindsight I think my friends would have preferred it if I’d stuck to drinks.

I was doing a Maths exam and a question on probability came up. What are the odds?

Too many colours spoil the goth

I go around handing out hot water bottles and blankets at comedy gigs. I’m the warm up act.

I’m about to release a new type of broom. Hopefully it will sweep the nation.

When life gives you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodexrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium furnarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours… Make lemonade