Category: wordplay

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza.

Take a tip from me. I’ve got loads, but only one snooker cue.

My mate asked me who had made Germany’s 23 man squad for the European Championships I said “Klose, but no Sieger”

My wife asked me what I thought about her breast reduction. “Why can’t we just have normal gravy instead of this Heston Blumenthal stuff?”

A man walked over to a kid playing with a huge lizard and asked if he could see it. After fiddling around with it for a few moments, he asked what its name was. The kid replied with, “Tiny.” “How on Earth did you ever get a name like that for such a huge creature?” […]

So I said, “Do you want a game of darts?” He said, “Okay then.” I said, “Nearest to bull starts.” He said, “Baa.” I said, “Moo.” He said, “You’re closest!”

Me and my wife like to play a little game called ‘Phone the women’s refuge.’ I always beat her.

My mate needed a bit of help building his clock. So I gave him a hand.

I’ve become disillusioned with my job looking after history books. To be honest, I’m past caring.

At first I was sceptical about high fiving Abu Hamza. Now I’m hooked.

I’ve just applied to adopt a jaguar for 3 a month. I hope they send me an XJS.

I made a chicken wrap this morning but it wasn’t very good. It was totally out of tune and don’t get me started on his beatboxing.

Some midget said I had an unfair height advantage during a snooker game. So I thought,”Give it a rest.”

Arrow making. Don’t nock it until you’ve tried it.

Sky News: “Number of Brits attending Greyhound Races up 50% compared to last year” So this country really is going to the Dogs.