Category: wordplay

I was at the zoo the other day, and a sign said ‘Do not touch fence’. I dont know why, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

It’s disillusioning when my magic tricks don’t work.

I entered a 20,000 draw today… The owner of the antique furniture shop was furious.

I was in the pub and one of the regulars was talking about animal impressions and asked what I could do. ‘I can do a pig’ I replied. ‘Let’s see it then’ he asked I turned to my wife and said ‘let’s go fatty, this guy wants to watch me do you’.

My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection. Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

I was out fishing yesterday when my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me. I was left reeling.

A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, “Why don’t you go over the road and see how Old Mrs Brady is?”. After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad, “Mrs Brady’s very cross dad, she says it’s none of your business how old […]

I fell down a really deep dark hole today. I couldn’t see that well.

Just been shopping at Farmfoods, got three bales of hay and a bucket of pig swill.

So I was reading the newspaper and I saw an article about a community building in Poland collapsing during an open house. Several were killed and over three hundred wounded. I thought to myself, thats odd, you’d think 300 poles could hold up a roof.

My mate praised me on the quality of my tennis strokes. It was a backhanded compliment.

Granny Smith.. The apple of my pie

My friend bet me 20 quid I couldn’t be a dog walker. I took him on, knowing it’d be a walk in the park.

I bought a glove earlier. Second hand.

I hit a small child with my car the other day and thought: “How did I pick that thing up…”