Category: wordplay

My new girlfriend isn’t as dirty in bed as I’d hoped she’d be. I asked for “ATM” and she drove me to a cash machine.

On meeting my cell mate on my first day in prison,i threw him off of the top bunk bed…………… He was condescending.

What do you call a Dutch courier who cuts you up on the motorway? Ruud Van Driver.

I really, really, absolutely, positively without a shred of doubt hate the use of superfluous words.

I hate jokes about the blind… I just can’t see the funny side

I received a letter through the post yesterday that had me asking some questions. It was a “Y”

What do we want? More Fat Boy Slim. When do we want it? Right here, right now.

I took my nan for a pleasant boating trip around the lake today in a row boat. She kept shouting ‘Stroke, stroke, stroke!’. ‘I’m going as fast as I can, nan, shut up!’, I told her. It was only when the left hand side of her face dropped I realised she was having one.

My wife has always stood by me. If she behaves I might let her sit down.

In The Sun today, there is a story about an attempt to smuggle 1m worth of drugs aboard HMS Manchester by a wren,but the attached picture is clearly of a blackbird.

I used to have rules that people couldn’t smoke in my house. But they soon went out the window.

I thought I’d have a take away tonight. So I snuck next door and took their Shepherds Pie.

My drunk wife fell out of the bed last night. She was standing up when I did a sharp u-turn in my pickup truck.

‘Breast cancer’ is a mammogram of ‘flat chest’.

My wife said she “wanted a night to remember” So I bought a memory foam matress.