Category: wordplay

My dyslexic mate reckons Gillette’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I’ve opened an online dating company especially designed for deaf mutes. It’s called ‘The Conversations Ltd.’

The doctor said to me today “I think you’ve got myopia.” I said “I know you’re an educated man, Doc, but I’m almost certain that isn’t the correct plural of ‘my opium.’”

There was a leaflet on contraception stapled to the middle of my newspaper today. It was a pull-out special.

I had to wipe my Computer’s memory drive earlier… …I came on it.

Biofuels have recently become big news, but the concept has been around for many years. People long ago figured out a way to run engines on almost any organic matter. Corn, leaves, even spices. The most public use of biofuels occurred over 60 years ago when British Rail made the trains run on thyme.

I don’t trust mascara… It’s out on the lash with a different girl every night.

I’ve been made president of the Erection Club. I think it’s because I’m the longest standing member.

Just like rugby star Brian Moore, if you’re abused as a child, you’ll grow up to be a hooker.

Jobs in the UK are easy to come by, according to recent Poles.

I thought that my brain was leaking out, so I went for scan. Turns out it was all in my head.

Apparently, my mate Lee has started doing drugs. I’m not sure if I believe it. It’s highly unlikely…

I went to Old Trafford today to enquire about hiring a box. They didn’t have any so I had to stand on my mate’s shoulders.

Sleep is a great thing. You’ll never tire of it.

My mate asked me the other day if I fancied playing with some dirty old slag round the back of the steel mill. Very disappointing.