Category: wordplay

Note to self: I need to stop talking to myself.

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month.

My daughter has been put on the Olympic gymnastics team. She flipped when she found out.

I met a Chinese bloke who looked green with envy the other day, but it turned out he was just feeling blue.

My undertaker business has recently gone bust. A rival company was running my business into the ground.

If you don’t know your Latin imperfect endings, you have no Bant.

I like my women like I like my people with an irrational fear of Sting. Afraid to go to see The Police.

Me and my mates used to have great jobs holding up overhead electricity lines. That is, until the poles came over and took all our jobs.

Katie Price has brought out another perfume which contains goat urine. It smells terrible Seriously, sometimes it seems like she’s got more money than scents.

A relative of mine has been having a hard time financially recently after standing on an I.E.D. in Afghanistan. So I’ve loan him some money until he finds his feet.

Some people complain about their job, but as a baggage handler, the world is my oyster… I’ve just been locked in the hold.

As I sat watching my teenage son sit in the living room spending hours varnishing his nails last night, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Maybe he’s not cut out to be a carpenter.”

My son surprised me with a manual on altering trousers legs. I thought, ‘That’s a book for the turn-ups’.

A teacher told me my daughter was advanced for her age. I said, “I know, she’s got a great pair for a thirteen year old”.

I do not often contradict myself, but when I do I am usually right.