Category: wordplay

I’ve spent all night watching the stupid football. I need to get a television.

I was at the bus stop and saw a poster of Voldemort with ‘HP 7’ printed on it. Kind of spoils the ending when you know he’s low on hit points.

I just bought a dog and named him ‘Achilles’. He’s not big or strong or anything, it’s just so that when I need him to come to me, I can yell, “Achilles! Heel!”

A lot of jokes go straight over my Indian mates head. Because I stuffed his turban with penguin wrappers.

The issue with overcrowding is if we put whites in Prisms all the colours will get out.

The pressure was really on in the pub quiz the other night. It fell to me to answer the tie-break question on behalf of my team. ”What does Quasimodo, the bell-ringer of Notre Dame, have on his back?” I really wasn’t sure, but I went with a hunch.

Man fired for washing himself with urine One minute urine, the next urout.

It’s just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war. Stan Welbeck

I was furious when a random stranger started beating me around the head with his list of runners and riders when I was enjoying an afternoon at Ascot. I can’t stand it when people use the race card on me.

Mimes have an interesting job… to say the least.

As he cried into the sandcastles, I realised Grandpa hadn’t been asking for a vacation when he said “I’ve not been to the beach since 1944.”

Someones stolen my cup of coffee. I’ve been mugged.

I drove in to the petrol station today. There was gas bottles, barbecue equipment and flowers scattered everywhere.

I told a really funny joke about trees the other day. Not my normal style but figured I need to branch out.

My wife is always on my back. It gets very painful from time to time.