Category: wordplay

My son is cold and calculating I’ve turned the heating off whilst he does his maths homework.

‘Brokeback Mountain voted best On-Screen Love Affair’ I cried when I watched it. It looked painful.

For a big man I was surprised to learn Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t like rats. The Vermin hater.

I realised that I’m tired of walking everywhere. At the first opportunity, I hopped on a bus. Tommorrow I’m going to skip to work.

Who’s the most vague person in the military? General Direction.

My sister called me today to tell me about my new born niece, and told me that they’d decided to name her Courage. I thought, “that’s brave.”

BBC News: Spark started family death fire. Who’s spark, the family dog?

My wife just left her job at HMRC. She found it too taxing.

My mate thinks because I work at customs, I’ll turn a blind eye to him bringing cocaine into the country. It’s stupid, irresponsible and frankly, I won’t let him go through with it.

Whoever burnt CarpetRight are just mindless rugs.

My husband came in from milking the cows earlier with a limp. When I asked him what had happened he said that he strained his calf in the process.

The police gave me a severe warning yesterday for undertaking in the hard shoulder of the motorway. They didn’t so much mind the top hat and horse and carriage, but felt embalming a body in full daylight was offputting to other drivers.

Me and the missus are just eating our stew. She still hasn’t noticed he’s missing.

I’ve just killed my poor wife Sally. I was listening to The Commitments on the radio and the next thing I know, she’s hanging from a noose from the attic door. I’ll never listen to Mustang Sally again.

I moved my Tomato Ketchup company from England to India. It’s called out-saucing.