Category: wordplay

My mate tried to catch a bus earlier. Unfortunately he dropped it on his toe.

My wife’s leaving me because she says I’m to much of a coward. Well, I stood right up and told her what I thought about her, as soon as she left.

Whenever I meet an attractive women I always tell them, “If you ever fancy a good time, then it’s on me.” There’s usually lots of tears when they realise that they’ve misunderstood me.

A woman walked into Boots and said “I’d like some……………………… face cream please” Lady behind the counter replied “Why, the big pores?”

I lost a boy called Simon who I was babysitting for. When his mum came home she asked, “Where’s Si gone?” “Vietnam,” I said, tongue in cheek. I realise now that there is a time and place for geography puns.

I’ve noticed my teenage daughter has been rolling her skirt up in a bid to get attention from the boys at school. They’ve noticed alright. But only coz she’s been using her knickers as a roach.

Dear me, I should really stop writing letters to myself…

I steal human organs from corpses and distribute them on the black market. My de-livery service is impeccable, although many are also disheartened.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently. James Brown’s name seems to pop up a lot.

I was throwing a piece of cake out for the birds earlier and it came back and smacked me in the face! It must have been a boomeringue!

I was out clubbing last night when some bloke called me a muppet. I was furious. But, my mum was right when she said “Kermit, you take things to heart too easily.”

My Mrs asked me today if I thought she was fat. “No. You just look like averaged sized someone far away, but REALLY close up” Im now single

I’ve booked a table at one of those new Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses. They’re for people who love meat tender.

My girlfriend asked me to recommend a tv series boxset for her to buy. I told her to get Lost. For some reason she came over last night with all the dvds, why can’t she take the hint that its over?

I’ve just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console. It was a Mega Drive.