Category: wordplay

I told my mate that, in order to get laid, I’d promised my girlfriend that I’d marry her in the summer. He said, “July?” I said, “Of course I did.”

Yesterday my wife said nothing compares to you, but todays shes telling me to hit the road jack, shes changed her tune.

I saw a woman crying as I was walking home from the pub last night. I said, “What’s the matter?” “Gavin’s gone” she replied. I said, “Sorry but I can’t really help you, I don’t suffer with heartburn”.

My fleshlight arrived in the post today… Neighbours complained about seeing my mail genitalia.

So i’ve finally decided to start playing the fiddle so I bought a cheap kids one. Im hoping to become a professional kiddy-fiddler

I sold my last house on ebay. I wouldn’t advise it though. Nearly all the money I made went on postage.

Down London for some breakfast, Can’t seem to find a full English anywhere.

I’m not saying I have trust issues, because you’ll tell everybody.

I’ve just seen a TV programme where they mentioned a “token black” Every one of them I’ve seen has been “tokin” something !

I said to my mate, “Ooh have you tried that new lemon flavoured lager?” He said, “No, is it bitter?” I said, “No, I just said, it’s lager.”

LFC News: ‘Carroll will remember elbow’ Well, it would be tragic if he left one of them behind.

All these teenagers around the UK calling themselves ‘The Swindon Crew’ or ‘The Stoke Crew’. Anyone spared a thought for the poor lads in Crewe?

I was over an hour late for work this morning. When I arrived the boss stormed over and snapped, “What’s your excuse this time Matthew?” “Sorry sir,” I replied. “I missed the bus.” He said, “Well make sure you’re more punctual in future.” I said, “Sorry sir comma I missed the bus full stop”

Firefighters are on standby at the Swan Vesta factory after the workers threatened an all out strike.

My mate accused me of exaggerating the scores at Scrabble last night. I think he had a point.