Category: wordplay

I once crashed my dad’s car into a lemon tree. Ten years later and he’s still bitter about it.

My wife said she loves my new job as a zoo vet, but she always insults the animals I’m working with She’s so hippo critical

BBC News- ”PETA announce their opposition to the term ‘pet’, preferring ‘animal companion’ instead.” People getting worked up over word definitions is one of my animal companion peeves.

I’ve just landed a new job driving Prison Officers to work but in all honesty, I feel a proper tool. I’m a Screwdriver.

I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando’s the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off. I wish he would stop taking sides.

Did you hear about the man who invented the Polo? He made a mint.

I really don’t know what I did wrong. I was peacefully eating my chicken tikka masala with a spoon when the waiter told me get the fork out.

My mate was livid when I started pulling loads of skids on his brand new top of the range mountain bike. Ive told him Ill clean his seat but hes still not happy.

I bought my Latin American manager a Vauxhall. I got my boss a Nova.

I’ve set up a cheap liposuction service from the wooden hut in my back garden. It’s open to anyone who wants to shed a few pounds.

There’s a theory among academics that the works of William Shakespeare were actually written by Francis Bacon. He wasn’t bard.

I’ve developed the world’s first high definition book.. It’s a dictionary on a shelf.

Frankensteins monster is so forgetful He’d lose his head if it wasn’t screwed on.

My girlfriend has just bought some tickets to go and watch Labrinth… I don’t want to go but it’s going to be hard to get out of.

When my dad was my age, he was already married and had two children with my mum. I’ve only kissed her so far.