Category: wordplay

I was once beaten up by Doris, Darren and Robin. I didn’t know what Day it was.

My wife recently told me that she thought I was selfish in bed. How was I to know she wanted half of the duvet.

My mate needed something to make himself sick. I said “How about eating out of date chinese food?” He said “Now thats using the old noodle”

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

BBC Radio Five Live : Ashes Breakfast With my wife’s cooking, I get one of those every morning.

I’ve just finished a course on lockpicking. It’s really opened doors for me.

I just got employed as a human lie detector The pays not great but at least I can make an honest buck

I’ve just read the heartwarming story of a dog’s quest to win a game of musical statues, and the one flaw that stopped him achieving that goal. It was a moving tail.

Our local Neighbourhood Watch is so annoying. It has a loud ring that wakes me up at early hours of the day.

Me and my mate reverse our cars everywhere together. We go back a long way.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with science. I asked her what I was going to do without her and she told me ”I don’t know, whatever floats your boat” ”Density” I replied.

BBC NEWS: cd pioneer dies aged 81 thats one for the records

Epileptic Santa. He seizures while he’s sleeping!

I proposed to my girlfriend during an asphyxiation session, but she left me hanging.

Dwarfs who hand out free newspapers in London have low standards.