Category: wordplay

Me and my brother have had to close down our archery business. We didn’t hit any of our targets in the first 12 months.

I was visiting Preston at the weekend, and I saw an amazing street magician who made a seventh of the city disappear before my eyes. He just waved his wand and….Hey presto.

My new girlfriend’s called Shebang. She means everything to me.

My friend is abroad….now I know why i always caught him looking at me !

Working with shares, I was delighted when I found a live stock update app for my phone. Like, right now, I know my cows are doing fine.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

When I broke up with my wife, I didn’t want anything from her in the settlement except a pint of milk, four egg yolks, a vanilla pod, an ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of single cream. She mixed it all up in a bowl and then threw it in my face. On […]

The weight of my voice was nothing compared to that of the fat lady’s. She was singing on a different scale.

My mate just told me he was listening to Lub Tropicana. I said “surely you mean Club Tropicana?” Nope it’s definitely Lub Tropicana he insisted.. After a quick internet search I finally proved to him it was indeed Club Tropicana “Aaah you’re right.” he conceded “But all that was missing was the C”

My wife dyed her hair today. She said, “What do you think?” I said, “It suits your look”. She said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Your face looks like it’s died too”.

BBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78. Isn’t that suppose to be 325 years?

My grandfather is a Cold War veteran He can’t afford to put the heating on.

Sky News: President Obama has signed a post-war agreement with President Karzai during an unannounced visit to Afghanistan Karzai’s going to be gutted when he receives a condom and a dodgy letter through his mail.

I’ve just opened up a drinks shop in town called ‘The Green Mile’. We only sell large black coffees.

I got caught match-fixing last night. It was either that or run them under the tap and use a lighter.