Category: wordplay

I like to keep a sundial in my back garden. Just for old times sake.

I was clearing out the garage earlier for a car boot sale when I found a broken abacus. “Do you think we could sell that?” my wife asked. “I wouldn’t count on it” I replied.

BBC news: 20 million of rare diamonds stolen while in transit overnight. That’s a bit stupid, I don’t even keep power tools in my van overnight.

I ate a Shepherd’s Pie today. He was clearly not amused.

A man applied for a job in a chippy and they asked him, “Have you ever battered a fish?” “No, but I once stamped on a crab.”, he replied.

Policeman pulled me over, said I was going too fast. So I took him to dinner first.

I walked into a chemical shop and asked what nitrates were on offer. The shopkeeper replied with “Well I suppose you could sleep in the storeroom, but it will cost you a tenner”

I’m only with my Somalian girlfriend for her booty.

I’m still getting the hang of making new jokes, which frankly my older children take quite badly.

Guardian Headline Patrick Swayze, star of Dirty Dancing and Ghost, dies after battle with cancer aged 57 Telegraph Headline Patrick Swayze, the actor acclaimed for his performances in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, has died of pancreatic cancer, aged 57. The Daily Sport Headline Crazeeee, Swayze’s Pushing up the Daisies

I spent hours last night playing ” Guess Who ” with my three kids . Not the board game though , I had them trying to work out which one of them is adopted .

I saw two guys beating a woman up on the bus last night… It was a double decker

What do you call an emo with cancer? A chemo.

I wanted to tell my wife that I’d broke her clock, but… It’s never been the right time.

I brought two people with me to my maths exam: the Queen and a robed man bearing an abacus. I don’t know why I was sent away, I had been told to bring a ruler and a calculator.