Category: wordplay

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

Upon being told I have a drinking problem I gave careful consideration and completely agree. I’ve two hands and only one mouth

Microsoft Pillows: When you just need to crash.

People who seek sympathy make me want to cry.

My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things. I said, “You seamstressed.”

I just ate a beautiful Chinese. Would’ve prefered if she had a brazilian.

Sometime you just have to stop, look back and say to yourself, “I was there a second ago.”

I replaced some lights in my house today I handed the old ones down to my girlfriend She asked “are they heavy?” I said “no, its a light fitting”

I’ve penned a few great novels in my time. For which the library fined me heavily.

My wife said she found it ‘incredible’ that I had been cheating on her for 15 years with her own sister. I thanked her for the compliment.

I walked into a bar and asked for a short. I told the barman, who thinks he’s a bit of a comedian, before you start, I’m not in the mood, so nothing funny. He brought me Ronnie Corbett.

My son said he was going to change the time on every clock in the house if i didn’t give him money. “Not on my watch you won’t” i replied.

After the recent racist events that have occurred in the last decade in the UK, a charity awareness group has been formed designed to ease racial tension in Britain. It will be called: Don’t Initiate Racial Tension this Year. People Against Killing Irrationally. Or DIRTY PAKI for short.

I wish I’d never kicked the wife out. Actually did more damage to her than the fire itself.

Went to Hyde Park the other day. Difficult to achieve with something so big.