Category: wordplay

I went to my mate’s funeral today, He worked in a cotton mill for 40 years delivering in his lorry, On his wreath from the mill it read ‘john worked for 40 years and now he’s gone, but not forcotton’.

I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl… She never looked forward to anything.

Decided to cut ties with my children yesterday. Got kicked out of Debenhams after five minutes though.

As a blind West Country banker, I currency very well.

It was about this time last year that I resolved never to smoke marijuana again. I wouldn’t have been able to get through such a trying time if it wasn’t for my crystal meths. It’s been my rock.

Someone sent me a joke about postmen. It wasn’t delivered well.

Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon? Indiana.

Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by ghosts and now my spirits are high.

I went to the museum to feed the animals But they were all stuffed

My wife is leaving me. She says she has had enough of my getting phrases mixed up. I’m as sick as a fiddle chewing a parrot.

I applied for a job at IKEA today. I had to put the application together myself.

A Jew’s favourite method of transport Israel.

I saw my neighbor earlier who had a brand new dog with her. “That’s a fine looking creature miss, bulldog is it?” I asked. She said “Yes that’s right, you can give him a pet if you want”. So I went and fetched my daughters hamster.

I got a grant from my local school today. And a Chris, and a Justin.

Don’t you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?