Category: wordplay

All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer. It’s no frills.

I’m working hard today. The fit girl sat opposite me is wearing a low cut top.

I was at my psychiatrist’s the other day, and we were speaking about love. She asked me, “have you personally suffered any heartache she asked?” When I replied yes, she then asked me how I dealt with it all. A bottle of Gaviscon apparently was not an appropriate answer.

What do you call a Scotsman that’s nearly home? Hamish.

I wrote a book on razor sharp knives yesterday. Which was pretty stupid because my chair was perfectly fine.

I’m really good at starting fights at football matches. I’ve got a flare for it.

What’s the best way to gut a fish? Kill its family.

I was sat on the tube next to the wife earlier and thought to myself… …I wish she’d hurry up and die or the nurse might notice her oxygen’s dropped.

I go into maternity wards wearing a clown costume to be placenta of attention.

Needed some practice in arguing today so went to the gym and spent an hour on the rowing machine.

My mate Luke just got killed as he was crossing the road. Time after time I’ve told him, “Stop, Luke, and listen”..

Jordan and her myopic chimp-son Harvey stayed at my guest house last year. I had no choice but to put the Prices up.

Just been doing an online jobsearch and seen a job for male escort. I’ve emailed them asking to send over a nympho pack.

My wife had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear.

Autumn is very much like a dirty university lecturer. Feeling a little Fresher!