Category: wordplay

I talked a man out of jumping from a building once. I said “Mate, its not worth it!” He replied “Dont lecture me!” “I’m not,” I said, “I just don’t think this building’s high enough.”

Daily Mail “Husband built electric chair to kill wife who asked for divorce” I guess the spark had left their marriage

Man lying in bed with his wife says to her: “If I had plastic surgery to make myself bigger, would you do the same?” The wife replies “Yeah, i’d do that, it sounds like a good idea” Man says “Excellent! I’ll pay for your breast enhancement, and then i’ll get myself some bigger hands”

Some people take drug taking seriously. I just do it for the crack.

Hooters should do a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

My mate’s just formed a band called ‘Mechanical wave that is an oscillation of pressure transmitted through a solid, liquid, or gas, composed of frequencies within the range of hearing and of a level sufficiently strong to be heard, or the sensation stimulated in organs of hearing by such vibrations.’ He thinks the name’s too […]

We fear change. Thats why we tell barstaff to keep it.

I received a letter today from someone named “Jamal” informing me that they’ve got my wife held hostage and that I have to pay a high ransom fee to get her back. I hate black males.

No handbrakes. Thats how i roll

Washing machines live longer with cowgone well she was the only one who knew how to use it

I’m writing a book, and it’s about the sofa that I just threw away, and the new one that I’ve just bought. Keep an eye out for it in all good bookstores. It’s called A Tale Of Two Settees.

Off to a show next weekend. Don’t know whether to choose Hamlet or Cats. To be or not tabby.

The US treasury has confirmed it is closing one of its mints due to imperfections in the coinage. I thought that it made perfect cents.

My doctor has told me that I have a unhealthy obsession for peeling onions. Still, I’m not going to cry about it.

My name is Midgetorius. Midget for short.