Category: wordplay

My mate brought some magic mushrooms round last night. They were amazing. They pulled a rabbit out of a hat and sawed my missus in half.

Just heard a song on the radio that went “There’s panic in the streets of Telos, there’s panic in the streets of Alderaan”. I think it was by The Siths.

I just watched a film on how to dig a good grave. I thought the plot was very good.

So what if it’s blowing a gale outside? I’m off to the brothel for Gail to blow me!

I draw the line at vomit jokes, they’re just sick.

I was buying some hydrochloric acid the other day and asked the bloke how much it was. “Including the vat?” He said. “Yes,” I replied. “Otherwise, what would I keep it in?”

I’m getting sick and tired of all this whitehaven nonsense. That’s why I’ve insisted that my girlfriend gets an all over tan this summer.

In Arabic countries the word ‘freedom’ isn’t even in the dictionary. That’s because it’s an English word, and they use Arabic.

Since losing my TV remote I’ve been crying uncontrollably.

I had to leave my job at the milk factory. I just couldn’t bottle it.

BBC news: parties clash over doner decision Apparently they just couldn’t decide between lamb or chicken

I took the wife into our garden today, where I’d stuck a load of signs saying, “I’m leaving you.” “What are those doing here?” she shouted. “These are my grounds for divorce,” I replied happily.

In an opposite universe. There wouldn’t be a universe.

I was awoken this morning by the wife humming. I think she really needs to take more showers.

An octopus tried robbing a bank this morning. It didn’t have a gun, but was well armed.