Category: wordplay

I got the new athletics channel on my TV. Thought it would be good, but it’s just a load of re-runs.

Time flies when you want to know which one’s the quickest.

I haven’t been to a cashpoint for so long I’m getting withdrawl symptoms

Earlier today I was compiling a list of jokes about every bone in the human body, imagine my disappointment when I realized I didn’t have a single humerus one.

As I stood by the clock factory which was burning to the ground, where I had worked for the last 10 years. I couldn’t help but think I was inhaling second hand smoke…..

My girlfriend is distraught after having her legs amputated. In retrospect, telling her she’ll be okay once she find’s her feet probably didn’t make her feel any better.

I’ve just sold 30 dummies to a baby for fifty quid, Sucker.

I was down at my allotment when I noticed that the Iraqi guy on the adjoining patch had covered his vegetables with thin metal sheets. Well that’s another terrorist plot foiled.

I hear Ironman and Magneto are inseparable since they’ve met.

I was nicking some kid’s lunch money, when he said ‘You can have it if you win a race with me to the top of that tower’. I still beat him up.

After my restaurant was plagued by vermin I called in pest control. But they told me that they didn’t usually exterminate chavs.

I went fishing today and caught a perch. The bird that was sat on it wasn’t very impressed.

My teacher told me today that being clever doesn’t suit me. She’s just jealous because I got one over on her earlier when I was asked what I thought wiped out the dinosaurs. I said, ‘your board rubber Miss.’

Breaking News: The act of smashing up newspapers.

Me and the wife always fight when we stand in doorways. We’re arch rivals.