Category: wordplay

That’s odd. Every time I pick up my pint of beer I feel a draught.

Once you’ve got past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humour, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.

I’m seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania, and I have taken something valuable away from every session.

I spelt ‘cripple’ using one P while playing a game of scrabble last night. Apparently it’s an invalid word.

I have just bought a new box of Crayolas, and it includes both ‘Burnt Sienna’ and ‘Raw Sienna’. They really need to figure out how to cook Sienna.

Went to bingo tonight. Got two fat ladies. Worst threesome … ever.

I was really disappointed after my wife gave me head on my birthday. I actually wanted a Slazenger tennis racket.

People are comparing the Tottenham riots to the ones in Egypt. I can see the similarities; loads of Africans running around burning stuff.

Got trolleyed yesterday. An old woman clipped my ankle in Tesco’s.

I miss my ex-girlfriend sometimes. But watching the innocent bystanders next to her fall down is almost as fun.

Hear about the actor that fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

I know a vampire who collects mirrors. I don’t know what he sees in them, to be honest!

I’d love a delicious German sausage, but I don’t have any money, just this dead seagull. Think they’ll take a tern for the wurst?

I’ve always thought roofs are a bit over the top…

Was in work the other day and some guy came in, pale, skinny withering hair. He had AIDS written all over him. Strange choice of tattoo I thought.