Category: wordplay

I’ve got the eye of the tiger. So now it just says ‘tger.’

My wife said to me the other day that I talk about her like an animal. Daft cow.

Me and a mate just went into a field to do some cow pushing. I love feminist camp sites.

All the helium I bought for my party has gone missing. I think someone took off with it.

I’m just going to the toilet to measure something. I shouldn’t be long.

Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?

I’ve had to resort to printing my newspaper on wood. Times are hard.

I just bought some second hand binoculars for 300. The bloke must have seen me coming a mile off!

For fathers day my daughter got me a grooming kit. Shes so thoughtful, now I have all I need to get the kids into my van.

So you’ve all heard the expression ‘If you play with fire, you’re gonna get burnt’ But my boss at the local hospital liked to put this spin on it: ‘If you play with burn victims, you’re gonna get fired!’

Rip Eddie Stobart. I honestly thought you were in it for the long haul.

I hate driving on motorways. It’s such a dangerous place to play golf.

I’m having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.

Started up as a self employed hitman recently. Business is great. I’ve been making a killing.

After a swim today I was in the changing room, when I noticed a Father and child in the corner. The little boy was trying to put his shorts on, but the priest kept pulling them down.