Category: wordplay

My mate showed me his new treatment for his tourettes. It’s a small crystal pyramid in his garden which he has to stand near when his condition gets bad. He swears by it.

I got accused of being a racist in work today. The new employee looked like that ‘I need a dollar’ singer. All I said was “Aloe Black”

I saw a young lad struggling to climb a wall today “You need some help mate?” I called “Yeah please, my ball is over there, can you give me a boost?”he replied “No problem” I said walking over It’s amazing how a simple bar of chocolate saved the day.

I’m a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn’t working out too well. What is it that we love about ‘belle cheese’ that you English don’t?

I’m thinking of joining the Met. They sound like me to a T.

When I won the Lotto I had to get me a butler. Just couldn’t help myself.

Inquest into gary speeds death opened and adjourned No noose is good noose

Gordon Ramsay taught me all I know. I swear.

I’ve just seen Paul Weller with fruit and jelly on his face. Looked like he’d been eating trifles.

I arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.

I’ve managed to find a way to communicate with carbonated water. It’s a super accomplishment soda speak.

My son said his first word today and I’m pretty sure he’ll become quite the linguist. He said, “esarhp” It was a wonderful turn of phrase.

Strangely, Currys is the only shop in Leicester that doesn’t have a Paki working there.

I phoned my daughter’s drama teacher today and told her my daughter is sick and can’t make drama club tonight. She said, “Oh my god! We’re all doomed! Oh my god! The world will end! I’m having a nervous breakdown! Oh my god! I’m having a heart attack! Oh! Oh!”

Corrugated roofs. They’re groovy.