Category: wordplay

Got a letter in the post telling me my credit card bill is “outstanding”. It’s always nice to receive compliments.

I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?

I walked into a shop and said, “Ten Lambert please, mate.” The cashier said, “It’s not mate. My name is on my badge.” So I replied, “Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA.”

I was sat plucking away at my guitar when I thought… …this thing doesn’t have any feathers.

Nudist groups have been looking for new young recruits due to drooping members.

My wife said, “Can we put the Christmas tree up tonight?” I said, “Why, has it got nowhere else to stay?”

What’s a mexicans favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird

What has a turkey and my wife got in common? Neither of them know yet that they are going to get a good fisting over my kitchen sink next week.

A local Tailor was supposed to come to my house today to adjust my trouser legs. He didn’t turn up.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

My neighbour claims to be an equine vet, but he’s not foaling anyone.

I went to the doctors with a red, itchy patch on my arm. I was told the arm had to be amputated. Bit of a rash decision, if you ask me.

Pre-Meditated murder: Its the thought that counts.

I used to be in a band called the Elastic bands, but it didn’t work out. We thought we were bigger than we were and ended up splitting.

I went into the barbers and he said ‘What can I do for you?’ ‘Cut the sides and back off’ I replied. ‘Alright, no need to be rude about it!’