Category: wordplay

The ball-and-chain has just told me I’m not allowed to go to Dave’s poker evening tonight. I guess it’s true what they say – if you spend long enough in solitary confinement, you start hallucinating.

Life insurance claims. They’re to die for.

I thought it would be hilarious to replace my mate Tony’s tea with pee. Apparently he’s had a sore throat ever since. Now he’s a little horse.

My wife asked me, “Can you think of anything you’d really like to do in bed?” “Yes, it involves a chocolate clair.” “What is it you’d like me to do with it?” “Nothing, just get some nutella and Claire from work, then leave.”

I was teaching my son how to date, I covered kissing and hugging and then his mother taught him to eat out, she always had the best table manners.

I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

The other day somebody told me that I can’t deal with pain. That really hurt.

Men have larger shoulders than women, broadly speaking.

My wife brought home a kitten yesterday. I was fuming, “I hate cats” I said. “Why don’t you sleep on it”, she said. Problem Solved.

My mate is forever ‘getting hold of the wrong end of the stick’, which wouldn’t be too bad usually, except he works on a sewage farm

How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8.

My friend tells me I don’t understand tenses. I won’t be able to believe he is saying this, I used to be outraged.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

We had a blackout while I was watching TV. I was delighted.

Last night me and my mate did karaoke on my new tv, Sam sung.