Category: wordplay

My mate just told me he’s moving to Bel Air… What a Bel Air’nd.

Marie: ‘What does your husband do for a living?’ Joanne: ‘He’s a joiner’ Marie: ‘Oh yes? What does he do?’ Joanne: ‘Whenever he sees someone going in the pub he joins them’

I brought my dog to the vet for a cat scan today. They found three in him.

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: “The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door.” “Good grief, Holmes,” said Watson, “How on earth did you deduce that?” “It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson.”

I crashed my one-man plane into the middle of the ocean and wondered how I would make it back to dry land. However, once I found the blanket in the back and the wind picked up it was plane sailing from there.

I went into the butchers the other day and asked for a big fat Christmas bird, “Turkey” he asked, I replied “I don’t care where she’s from as long she can handle a spit roast”

Fifteen shop stewards were killed in a bus crash the other day. They cried in Unison.

My mate Dave was born in Australia. His father was an African and his mother American. Apparently he’s huge down under.

I lost my job teaching children tennis. One court date led to another.

I was in the hardware shop earlier and there was a sign up that read “Paint reduced to clear”. Why would I buy that then?

Kamikaze pilots are in sharp decline.

I was asked to attend the premier of my film about plagiarism. I didn’t make it.

Capital punishment – It’s a sensitive case. Or is it case sensitive?

My job is driving a van containing a well known newspaper. I’m always moving with The Times.

My mate asked me if I knew which race committed the most crime. I took a stab in the dark and said blacks.