Category: wordplay

I was once in a film. I have very oily skin and I fell in a puddle.

I found myself in trouble earlier for posting racist jokes from my Macbook. They aren’t PC.

I was fighting with customers every week when I used to be a doorman. Probably why B & Q fired me.

I spent my life trying to discover the key to immortality but I’ve come to a dead end.

Should anything ever happen to me at work I want them to call Barbie and inform her. She’s my next of Ken.

Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple based pastry desserts this month alone. What a turnover!

Whist having a conversation with my girlfriend, she brought up ‘Sperm’. It was funny just watching it run down her chin.

Canada: Driver Kills Two Women After Smoking Marajuana So, killing two birds with one stoner.

I change the colour of peoples clothes for a living. It’s a dyeing trade.

I pulled a couple of German physics students after explaining relativity theory to them. Two birds with ein stein.

I can’t see invisibility being made available for everyday use in the near future.

I could really do with a crowbar. The birds in my garden look like they want somewhere to socialise.

“We make a strange pear” Said the schizophrenic fruit.

Aristotle: “What does it mean to be a good person?” Descartes: “What does it mean to be?” Nietzsche: “What does it mean?” Bertrand Russel: “What does ‘it’ mean?” C.S Lewis: “What does it?” Lil John: “What?”

I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”