I just drove past a sign …
I just drove past a sign that said “Watch for blind children”. That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?
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The wife just asked, “Wha …
The wife just asked, “What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?” I said, “Its accent.”
Continue ReadingYou know your life is fai …
You know your life is failing when you start to eat a bag of crisps that are ‘made to share’ alone.
Continue ReadingWhat’s invisible and smel …
What’s invisible and smells like carrots…. .. rabbit farts.
Continue ReadingFacebook group: ‘Real men …
Facebook group: ‘Real men don’t cheat on, lie to, or abuse woman.’ You’ve obviously never seen a real man.
Continue ReadingI can’t believe the numbe …
I can’t believe the number of people who came to my summer pool party. If I’d known how many would turn up I’d have hired some more cues.
Continue ReadingRecreate the smell of far …
Recreate the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland’s diced chicken.
Continue ReadingChild: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Are …
Child: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Are little birds made of metal?’ Mum: ‘Of course not, dear. Why do you think that?’ Child: ‘Daddy just said he’d like to screw the bird next door!’
Continue ReadingPolice have arrested The …
Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of their most junior officers.
Continue ReadingIf people say to you, “Li …
If people say to you, “Liar, liar pants on fire!” and your pants aren’t actually on fire, I think they’re being a bit hypocritical.
Continue ReadingI got all Bs and Cs at sc …
I got all Bs and Cs at school. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that I moved onto harder drugs.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call killing …
What do you call killing a mother, chopping her up and cooking her inside her own babies? A chicken omellete
Continue ReadingTip for the day: ‘Harder’ …
Tip for the day: ‘Harder’ is not a good choice of safe word.
Continue ReadingShe put her left leg in. …
She put her left leg in. Her left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. And then I pushed her in. I probably shouldn’t run swimming lessons.
Continue ReadingMe: Just seen a guy artif …
Me: Just seen a guy artificially inseminate a cow. Mate: Yeah? Me: Yeah, straight up, no bull.
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