My mate plays the violin …
My mate plays the violin and he’s makes me hold up the music sheets while he plays. I’m sick of doing it, so now I’m making a stand.
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I love it when people say …
I love it when people say ‘I love it when…’ even though they don’t.
Continue ReadingEvery time I meet a new p …
Every time I meet a new person, and I end up shaking their hand while they say, “It’s truly a pleasure to meet you.” I almost have a panic attack trying to locate their other hand.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a camp J …
What do you call a camp Jedi? Obi Have
Continue ReadingA guy goes into a busy bu …
A guy goes into a busy butcher’s shop: “Good morning! I’d like 200 grams of bacon from that really fatty one.” “I’m sorry,” says the butcher, “Susie’ll have to get it for you, the really fatty one’s at college today.”
Continue ReadingI decided to treat myself …
I decided to treat myself to a whole new bedroom. Scanning the back of the delivery van I saw my brand new wardrobe, my desk, and my bedside table but something was missing. The driver didn’t need to tell me what it was. He was giving me his “bed to come” eyes.
Continue ReadingI once saw a forklift lif …
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Continue ReadingI was walking down the st …
I was walking down the street and a driver pulled over and asked me if I knew where Effingham was. Was” Next to the effing bacon” the wrong answer?
Continue ReadingMy wife gate-crashed next …
My wife gate-crashed next door’s party last night. Then she knocked over a gnome and eventually ended up in their pond. She was attempting to reverse park the car on our drive at the time.
Continue ReadingIm a professional bee kee …
Im a professional bee keeper…. I do it for the Buzz.
Continue ReadingI’ve recently decided to …
I’ve recently decided to create a new business, It’s a rubbish collection service with a staff made entirely of people with disabilities. The council will not approve the idea though, I dont see what the problem is with calling it, “Downs in the Dumps”.
Continue Reading“Don’t crawl under our tr …
“Don’t crawl under our tree in a thunderstorm!” my old mum used to shout and she was right. One day I broke her bonsai.
Continue ReadingLost your keys? locked ou …
Lost your keys? locked outside? Looks like i’m going to have to smash your back doors in…
Continue ReadingMy new job would be going …
My new job would be going well if not for the friction developing between me and and my co-workers, due to the fact of me refusing to costantly make the coffee. Still, I’d quite like to keep the job at Starbucks as it pay’s pretty good.
Continue ReadingI thought I’d found the p …
I thought I’d found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.
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