I cut my mate into numero …
I cut my mate into numerous small, oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces. He was puzzled.
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Top Tip for anyone annoye …
Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services. There is a new one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them. The only downside is that they insist on putting disgusting […]
Continue ReadingPeople who lose pound coi …
People who lose pound coins down the backs of sofas – I feel for them.
Continue ReadingI said, “I’ve locked my k …
I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.” My neighbour said, “Do you have a spare set?” I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”
Continue ReadingCuriosity didnt kill the …
Curiosity didnt kill the cat, it just got it pregnant.
Continue ReadingWhen I put rubbers over m …
When I put rubbers over my dad’s eyes, he looked surprised. Erased his eyebrows.
Continue ReadingJust bought a new TV, but …
Just bought a new TV, but it didn’t come with anything to put it on. This is wrong, and I have not gotta stand for it!
Continue ReadingIrony – Phobophobia – fe …
Irony – Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia
Continue ReadingI must be going mad! I’ve …
I must be going mad! I’ve just put my wallet in the fridge instead of my trousers. Lucky thing I noticed, otherwise I’d be going to work wearing trousers at room temperature tomorrow.
Continue ReadingMy friend recommended I i …
My friend recommended I install Windows on my computer to make it run faster. I tried but it doesn’t seem faster. Well at least now I can see right through it.
Continue ReadingSome people are such trea …
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Continue ReadingI’ve always been a very c …
I’ve always been a very creative person. Which is why I didn’t last very long as an accountant.
Continue ReadingI’m in line for a job dow …
I’m in line for a job down at ‘Oxford Dictionaries’. I got my mate to put a word in for me.
Continue ReadingI got into work today to …
I got into work today to find I didn’t have much on. That may have explained the funny looks on the bus.
Continue ReadingMy wife and her best frie …
My wife and her best friend are both called Susan. I came home from work one day to find them both lay on our bed, naked. My wife smiled, and said, “Remember that chat we had about our fantasies? Well, we’re going to make yours come true tonight.” I wasn’t sure what she meant at […]
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