I was told that it’s good …
I was told that it’s good to sleep on your problems to clear your head through tough times. It didn’t work that way when I tried sleeping on my manager.
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What do Dreadlocks and ch …
What do Dreadlocks and children have in common? If you play around with them too much they get messed up.
Continue ReadingBBC news: “Reward of $5m …
BBC news: “Reward of $5m for US agent death” You might as well make money doing something you love.
Continue ReadingA builder’s van said ‘Cal …
A builder’s van said ‘Call us for a free quote’ so I did. They answered “Get off your horse & drink your milk.” Sounds like a bunch of cowboys to me.
Continue ReadingA farmer this week spent …
A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an investment. In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date.
Continue ReadingI’m looking after my gran …
I’m looking after my gran this weekend. If she’s looking for an excuse to divorce grandad, I’ll probably give her one.
Continue ReadingInternational Women’s Day …
International Women’s Day?.. Might as well call it laundry day.
Continue ReadingPhoned up children in nee …
Phoned up children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was an orphan. Apparently it is not an auction.
Continue ReadingSo there I was at work, b …
So there I was at work, bashing one out all morning. Then, after lunch, it hit me: you have to hold down the shift key to get an exclamation mark!
Continue ReadingI went into the pet shop …
I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, “My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do you have anything to stop it?” “Sure,” replied the cashier, “Rub this powder all over their fur and it should kill them within 24 hours.” She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats […]
Continue ReadingMy mate just walked into …
My mate just walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free. Full credit to him.
Continue ReadingShowing your true colors …
Showing your true colors on Facebook never ends up well. Especially if you’re ginger.
Continue ReadingI’ve misplaced the bottom …
I’ve misplaced the bottom of all my shoes somehow. I’m going to have to do some sole searching.
Continue ReadingIn our office at work the …
In our office at work the boss has told us to start “thinking outside the box” whenever we do a presentation, although I got sacked the first time I did. The family were horrified when their grandfather was just left in a heap next to the coffin.
Continue ReadingI don’t believe in smacki …
I don’t believe in smacking my kids. I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same thing.
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