I went to a casino last n …
I went to a casino last night. I walked up to a table and said, “22, Black.” The bloke said, “I’m blackjack.” I said, “Nice to meet you Jack, was I close with the age?”
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People always say that yo …
People always say that you can never beat the bookies. Well I’m going to Plumpton with my baseball bat tomorrow and I’ve got twenty quid that says I can.
Continue ReadingThe doctor recently diagn …
The doctor recently diagnosed me with ’70s Fever’. It flares up occasionally.
Continue ReadingPeople with OCD are not v …
People with OCD are not very good at strip poker. They mostly fold.
Continue ReadingSaw a disabled kid at the …
Saw a disabled kid at the fair today, he was having a wheelie good time
Continue ReadingThere are more important …
There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.
Continue ReadingRyan Giggs puts the ‘wing …
Ryan Giggs puts the ‘winger’ in ‘swinger’
Continue ReadingJust for once, I’d like t …
Just for once, I’d like to try a normal sized “Cheddar”.
Continue ReadingI was called to identify …
I was called to identify my late Greek Grandfather recently. He had drowned in a large bowl of sauce whilst eating some Pita bread. It was very distressing for me; I have never seen a posthumous body before.
Continue ReadingThere’s a poster at the b …
There’s a poster at the bus stop across my street that says, “Keep Calm and Carry On”. I don’t think I’ve seen that one. I wonder if Sid James is in it?
Continue ReadingI tried to look up “perse …
I tried to look up “persevere” in the dictionary once. I couldn’t find it so I gave up.
Continue ReadingI was sitting in my room …
I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant….”God??.”
Continue ReadingI ran into a fishing shop …
I ran into a fishing shop today and threatened to shoot everybody if the didn’t give me all the money in the till. The cashier said, “Sorry Sir, we’ve not had any takings yet. So I took the float.
Continue ReadingI asked my nephew what he …
I asked my nephew what he wants for his 18th birthday. He said, “Uncle Osama, what I really want is 72 virgins to do whatever I want with.” Well, if that’s what he wants then that’s what he’ll have. It’s going to cost him a bomb though.
Continue ReadingWhy do Jews have such lon …
Why do Jews have such long life expectancies? They don’t like to buy it.
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