My daughter wants a pet, …
My daughter wants a pet, but I’ve told her no… She couldn’t even look after the head lice she had last year.
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For her birthday, my wife …
For her birthday, my wife said she wanted a locket. I didn’t even know she had a sore throat.
Continue ReadingWife: I don’t know what t …
Wife: I don’t know what to get for stocking fillers. Me: Feet?
Continue ReadingYou’ve gotta take your ha …
You’ve gotta take your hat off to hairdressers.
Continue ReadingThe pope keeps on apologi …
The pope keeps on apologising for the paedophile priests… He hasn’t been on sickipedia yet has he
Continue ReadingI always get my wife the …
I always get my wife the same two things on our anniversary. An excuse and an apology.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend is getting …
My girlfriend is getting too big for her boots. I’d forgotten how fast they grow at that age.
Continue ReadingMy mate was telling me ab …
My mate was telling me about how he lost his virginity in a ford focus… I lost mine in an escort.
Continue ReadingI went to Liverpool to wa …
I went to Liverpool to watch the Grand National, but I never got into the course to see the race. I was refused Aintree.
Continue ReadingA lot of people use idiom …
A lot of people use idioms, but they’re not my cup of tea.
Continue Reading“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve los …
“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my ability to shock.” “I’m not surprised.”
Continue ReadingHey, did you know that if …
Hey, did you know that if you rearrange the letters of ‘Tescos’… … you’ll get kicked off the premises.
Continue ReadingMy wife made me a cup of …
My wife made me a cup of coffee earlier. I’d left it there for a while and when I went to drink some, I noticed it had a skin on top. I wish she’d see the doctor about her eczema.
Continue ReadingMoney can’t buy you happy …
Money can’t buy you happyness, unless you buy drugs.
Continue ReadingI was driving down the ro …
I was driving down the road in my van the other day, when i saw two cute 9 year old twins walking down the street on their own. I couldn’t believe it, i had to do a double-take.
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