Get free parking anywhere you like by smashing a couple of your car’s windows, ripping out your radio and placing a notice on the windscreen reading “Police Aware”. If you need longer than a few hours, you may have to temporarily burn out your car.
Continue ReadingI have managed to hire a cheap Tool to remove my Asbestos garage. He’s Polish.
Continue ReadingForret Gump runs into Jack Sparrow in the shop. Forrest Gump says, ‘What is that you’re holding?’ Sparrow replies, ‘Rum, Forrest, rum!’
Continue ReadingLast time I was in Rome, I went to see the Spanish Steps. Worst tribute band ever.
Continue ReadingYou know that you’re getting old when your narrow waist swaps places with your broad mind.
Continue ReadingI’m not saying I am a failure but I didn’t even get a birth certificate.
Continue ReadingIt is actually impossible to get a modern digital camera out of focus. They only sell DIY stuff.
Continue ReadingI’ll admit I’ve never been the biggest fan of the NHS. But when I recently had a labotomy on the NHS it totally changed my mind.
Continue ReadingI’m a London train driver and I’m just pulling out of Victoria. Bring your kids to work day, fantastic.
Continue ReadingLenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here’s a suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife!
Continue ReadingI went to see a counsellor. I told him, “I feel really angro, very encshus, and I’m parinod.” “Sounds like you have trouble expressing your emotions,” he told me.
Continue ReadingSo, scientists in Newcastle have managed to synthasize human sperm. Come again?
Continue ReadingI drink so much that the last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Continue ReadingSometimes I randomly draw my wife’s face and hang it on a wall in the house without her knowing. It’s a poor trait.
Continue ReadingAt some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost.
Continue Reading